FRED — (teenager, blows on mike twice) Is this thing on? (blows on mike twice) Testing, testing, testing. How do you know if the tape is going?
BARNABAS — (always afar) The little reels are turning inside. See?
FRED — Oh, yeah. So, this is Fred. And Barnabas, here, is letting me dictate the next chapter in his book. What was that title of your book again?
BARNABAS — The Acts of the Apostles.
FRED — Oh, yeah, the acts of the apostles. And this is chapter 13.
BARNABAS — 14.
FRED — 14. And you’re not going to believe what just happened! So, ah, well, I guess we should start at the beginning, so you don’t miss a thing. See, people are going to be reading this book for thousands of years, and they’re going to do Bible studies on it and stuff. So, I wanted to record it exactly as it happened. So, I bought this tape recorder. So, even if no other chapter is correct, my chapter, chapter 13 will be correct.
BARNABAS — Chapter 14.
FRED — Chapter 14. You have no idea how awesome it is to be a part of history, like this. I’ve done some awesome stuff in my life but I’ve never seen anything like…
BARNABAS — Ah, your tape is running. Why don’t you get started before you run out of tape.
FRED — Oh, yeah. Well, it all started in Lystra.
BARNABAS — Iconium.
FRED — Like I said it all started in Iconium. Paul and Barnabas went into the temple to preach. They spoke so effectively that they won a large number of Jews and gentiles to the Lord. How am I doing so far?
BARNABAS — You’re doing fine, except that there’s no temple in Iconium. Just a synagogue.
FRED — Okay. Did you get that? Okay, so some of the Jews refused to believe and they spoke out against Paul and Barnabas. So, Paul and Barnabas did some signs and miracles to convince them.
BARNABAS — Well, actually it was the Lord who did the signs and miracles, but you have the right idea.
FRED — Thanks. I’m getting pretty good at this, huh?
BARNABAS — Keep going.
FRED — Oh, yeah. So, anyways, some of the Jews plotted to persecute Paul and Barnabas and maybe even stone them to death. Can you believe the nerve of those guys?!
BARNABAS — Save the editorials. Just report the facts.
FRED — Oh, sure. Anyways, Paul and Barnabas found out about the plot and ran away to Antioch.
BARNABAS — Lystra.
FRED — Didn’t I say that?
BARNABAS — No.
FRED — Anyways, so, in Lystra, this crippled guy has feet all gnarly and stuff, like, so, he can’t even walk or nothing, see? And he’s sitting there listening to Paul and Paul sees that the lame guy has faith in Jesus and all, so he tells the lame guy to get up and walk. So, the lame guy gets up and walks. Can you believe it? I mean, I seen some nifty stuff before, but…
BARNABAS — Save the editorials. Just report the facts.
FRED — Oh, yeah. So, anyways, this is the best part. When the people of Lystra see the lame guy walking, they go bananas.
BARNABAS — I’m not sure bananas is a good word for the Bible.
FRED — Anyways, they think that Paul and Barnabas are Greek gods or something. And they want to sacrifice animals to them. (sickened) Have you ever seen how they sacrifice animals? I mean, gag me with a spoon!
BARNABAS — (clears throat)
FRED — Sorry. So, anyways, Paul tries to explain to the crowd how he’s just ordinary Joe Jew…
BARNABAS — I don’t think you can say that.
FRED — Well, anyways, even after he explains that it was God who done the miracles, the people still thought Paul and Barnabas was gods. Well, I could have convinced them that Paul and Barnabas were just guys. I sat down wind from them after they ate beans.
BARNABAS — Can we just get on with the chapter?
FRED — Oh, sure. Anyways, meanwhile these Jews from Lystra came into town and…
BARNABAS — Excuse me, we’re now in Lystra. They came from Iconium.
FRED — Whatever. So, here’s the best part….
BARNABAS — I thought we already had the best part.
FRED — Oh, yeah, but this is even better. These guys from Iconium come into town and stir up the Jews who didn’t believe yet. And they dragged Paul out of town and stoned him to death.
BARNABAS — They didn’t stone him TO DEATH.
FRED — They didn’t?
BARNABAS — No.
FRED — Oh. You know, this Bible stuff isn’t as easy as I thought it was gonna be.
BARNABAS — No. And we still have 14 chapters to go.
FRED — Fourteen chapters! I changed my mind. You can write the book yourself.
BARNABAS — Okay.
FRED — Okay? You’re not disappointed?
BARNABAS — No, I think I prefer pen and ink anyway. Besides, cassette recorders haven’t been invented yet.
FRED — Oh, then I’d better turn this off.

©2008 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,but all copies must contain this copyright statement.
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