JOHN — (enters, speaking into microphone, strolls to DC) Ladies and gentlemen, I am your action reporter and I am on the scene here near the tomb of Jesus of Nazareth, (motions to exit) investigating the mysterious disappearance of his body….
FRED — (enters, wearing combat fatigues and a bird house on his head, crosses to JOHN) Hey, I saw the whole thing.
JOHN — Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have a late breaking development. (to FRED) Can you repeat that, sir? (points mike at Fred)
FRED — Yes, I said, I saw the whole thing. Can you hear me alright?
JOHN — Before we go on, sir, can you explain how it is that you have your head in a bird house?
FRED — Yes, of course. I’m a private investigator. This was a very clever idea of mine to camouflage myself during the surveillance.
JOHN — camouflage?
FRED — See, when I stand behind a tree and lay my head on a branch my camouflage clothes blend into the background and I look just like a your common garden variety bird house. Clever, no?
JOHN — Clever. Well, I guess you can take the bird house off your head now.
FRED — No, I can’t.
JOHN — You can’t?
FRED — No, in order to avoid blowing my cover at an inopportune moment I decided to nail myself into this bird house.
JOHN — No kidding.
FRED — No kidding. I’ll need a claw hammer to remove it.
JOHN — Well, let’s get back to the resurrection.
FRED — Yes, I was staked out in a tree just a few feet from the tomb. (points to exit)
JOHN — That’s the tomb of belonging to Joseph of Arimathea?
FRED — That’s right. He let the Christians bury Jesus in his brand new family tomb. I was there when they wrapped the body and layed it in the tomb. Then, they rolled a big round stone in front of the opening.
JOHN — You could see all that that through the hole in the bird house?
FRED — You might say I had a bird’s eye view. (laughs)
JOHN — Bird’s eye view.
FRED — Yes, I am a trained observer.
JOHN — Can you tell our audience why a trained observer would be staked out in front of a tomb?
FRED — Yes, of course. Jesus predicted that he would raise from the dead after three days. So, the boys at the Sanhedrin decided to post a guard at the tomb to make sure the Christians didn’t steal the body and make it look like a resurrection. They hired me to keep an eye on the guard.
JOHN — I see. Now, back to the resurrection. The people in the city reported an earthquake. Did you feel the earthquake?
FRED — Boy, did I. The ground shook like crazy! The guard was so scared, he hid behind me. He thought I was a tree. So, the camouflage worked, you see.
JOHN — You saw him behind you?
FRED — Well, no, I could only see the entrance to the tomb in front of me. There’s just one hole in the bird house.
JOHN — Then, how did you know he was hiding behind you?
FRED — I could hear his knees knocking.
JOHN — Then what happened?
FRED — Then a clown appeared from nowhere and rolled away the stone.
JOHN — Wait a minute. Did you say you saw a clown?
FRED — Yes, uh huh.
JOHN — Are you sure you saw a clown?
FRED — Well, not exactly.
JOHN — What do you mean, not exactly? Did you see a clown or not?
FRED — Well… (shrugs)
JOHN — Look, you boasted that you were a trained observer. What exactly did you see?
FRED — Well, I got hungry after staking out the tomb for most of the weekend.
JOHN — What does that have to do with a clown?
FRED — Well, I was pushing food into the bird house through the hole when the earthquake started. I tried to clear the food out of the hole. But have you ever tried clearing raisons and peanut butter out of a bird house hole during an earthquake?
JOHN — I don’t believe I’ve ever had the pleasure. You still haven’t explained the clown.
FRED — I’m getting to that. I could see enough of the guy to know that he was a clown. He glowed in the dark.
JOHN — Oh, brother.
FRED — What.
JOHN — That wasn’t a clown. That was an angel of the Lord.
FRED — Angel… clown, what’s the difference?
JOHN — (to audience) He’s a trained observer.
FRED — How’s that? I can’t hear you. I’ve got a bird house on my head.
JOHN — So, you had raisons and peanut butter in your bird house hole.
FRED — Makes a great sandwich. You ought to try it sometime.
JOHN — Can we get back to the resurrection?
FRED — I got most of the raisons and peanut butter out of the hole with my fingers and then I found a twig and poked it into the hole.
JOHN — So, then you could see?
FRED — Not real well. I poked myself in the eye.
JOHN — I’m not interested in your eye.
FRED — Well, you ought to be. Have you ever poked yourself in the eye with a twig? That smarts!
JOHN — I’m sure. But did you see Jesus come out of the tomb?
FRED — Well, the twig got stuck in the hole. I should have stripped the leaves off of it first.
JOHN — So, you didn’t see anything.
FRED — Yes, I did. I finally got the twig out of the hole and I could see the empty tomb just fine.
JOHN — The empty tomb.
FRED — Well, it wasn’t completely empty. The wrappings from the body were laying there.
JOHN — So, you didn’t see the Lord Jesus rise from the dead or leave the tomb?
FRED — Well, no. But I do know that Jesus raised from the dead.
JOHN — How do you know that Jesus raised from the dead?
FRED — I heard the guard behind me peeing in his pants.
JOHN — Well, that’s it for our eye-witness account of the resurr….
FRED — (stumbles toward exit, hands outstretched) Which way do I go to get out of here?
JOHN — Watch where you’re walking, there!
FRED — (exits) Oh, I’ll be alright. I can see just….
JOHN — (shrugs, exits) Now, back to the studio.
©2008 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,but all copies must contain this copyright statement.http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected]