Nervous Nell
Hypochondriac Herman
Society Sue
Tired Timothy
Sunday school Superintendent
Tardy Tilly
Hostess Hortense
Last-Minute Melvin

Costumes (All wear signs stating their names.) Nervous Nell—large handkerchief; Hypochondriac Herman—hot water bottle and large bottle of pills; Society Sue—gaudy hat, jewelry, fur and lorgnette; Tired Timothy—make-up of tired lines; Tardy Tilly—hair curlers, furry slippers, coat; Hostess Hortense—apron, cooking spoon; Last-Minute Melvin—bathrobe; poster, telephone, cardboard letters

Action
SCENE 1:
(All sing in unison to tune of “A-Tisket A-Tasket.”)
Excuses, excuses, we always get
excuses, When we ask some folks to
help, We always get excuses!

(Each member sings one line and holds up a corresponding cardboard letter. Song is sung to tune of “Rock-A-Bye, Baby.”)

E-mbarrassed to try it,
X-cuse me this year,
C-hildren upset me,
U-lcers, my dear,
S-imply too nervous,
E-xhausted you see,
S-ad nominating committee!

Chairman: (sings to tune of “Ten Little Indians”)

One little, two little, three little excuses
Everyone is blowing their fuses,
Putting their talents to other uses,
On a Sunday morning.

Nervous Nell:
(enters shaking, biting nails, and wringing hankie and sings to tune of “She’ll Be Coming ‘Round the Mountain”)

I just can’t teach a class when I come,
I get so nervous, and my legs get numb,
If I were prepared,
Then I wouldn’t be so scared,
But those children always make me feel so dumb!

Hypochondriac Herman:
(enters carrying hot water bottle in one hand and large bottle of pills, or thermometer, in the other hand and sings to tune of “Old Black Joe”)

Gone are the days when my heart was young and gay,
My health’s so bad, may not live out the day,
Don’t count on me, I hate to make you sad,
I know you need a teacher, but I feel too BAD!

Society Sue:
(enters peering condescendingly through lorgnette at audience and sings in high falsetto with rolled r’s to tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Every day, PTA,
Brownies or the troop,
I am just so busy now,
My calendar is pooped.
Can’t take a class, so I’ll pass,
Ask another time.
Maybe I can work it in, In 2099!

Tired Tim:
(enters with slumped shoulders, slow gait, and sighs loudly before singing to tune of “I’ve Been Workin’ on the Railroad”)

I have been a superintendent
For the past ten years,
Through the joys and through the sorrows,
The laughter and the tears.
Now my bones are getting weary,
I just can’t work so hard.
Get a younger man to do it,
‘Cause I am just too ‘tard!

SCENE 2:
Scene opens with a pianist playing “Reveille” and with someone displaying a poster that says, “Later on Sunday mornings we hear
. Superintendent:
(paces back and forth, looks at his watch, and sings to tune of “Where Has My Little Dog Gone?”)

Oh where, oh where, can the teacher be,
Oh why, oh why aren’t they here?
It’s a quarter to ten and they haven’t come in,
Oh why did they not appear?

Tardy Tilly:
(runs in breathless with coat only on one arm and sings to tune of “Old McDonald Had a Farm”)

I forgot my teacher’s book,
E-I-E-I-O
I left it on the breakfast nook,
E-I-E-I-O
With a rush-rush here,
And a rush-rush there,
Brush my teeth and comb my hair,
And couldn’t find a thing to wear,
E-I-E-I-O!

Superintendent:
(still paces and looks at his watch, glances at the phone, and sings to tune of “Are You Sleeping?”)

Are they swimming, hedges trimming?
Did they call, did they call?
Picnicking or snoring, they are still ignoring
Their duty, their duty.

Hostess Hortense:
(enters and dials phone, sings to tune of “Reuben, Reuben”)

I won’t be at church this morning.
I would like to, but I can’t,
In just walked my father, mother,
Brother, sister, uncle, and aunt
. I would like to bring them with me,
But their visits are so rare,
I must give them all my free time,
So I guess I won’t be there.

Last-Minute Melvin:
(enters in bathrobe, hair disheveled, dials phone, sings to tune of “Farmer in the Dell”)

Herman lost his shoe.
Matilda drank the glue.
Little Fred is in bed.
We think he’s got the flu!

(all singing to the tune of “Oh Susanna”)

Now everyone has sung his song,
And we must bid adieu,
But we are hoping that we brought
A little laugh or two.
You’ve seen excuses
In jest, but still they’re true.
Now aren’t you glad that you are here,
So we can’t sing about you!