Actors
First Archaeologist
Second Archaeologist
Girl
Prehistoric Man

Action
Scene: There is a MAN lying on a table, fiat on his back and covered with a blanket. Two archaeologists work near him, chiseling and digging. One chisels at the blanket and uncovers the man’s toes.
First: Hey! I think I found something. Look at this!
Second: (examines toes) What do you think it is?
First: Must be some type of bone structure. Perhaps a claw or a hand of some prehistoric creature.
Second: How do we know it’s prehistoric?
First: Because of these rock formations. We’re working in a layer of prehistoric sediment.
Second: How do we know it’s a prehistoric sediment?
First: Because the fossils we found here are prehistoric.
Second: How do we know these fossils are prehistoric?
First: Because we found them in this layer of prehistoric sediment! Second: Ohhhhhh! (puzzling)
First: Let’s see if there’s more. (They work together to uncover the legs up to the knees. They examine the legs closely.)
Second: Those are the grossest looking hands and arms I’ve ever seen!
First: Do you think we’ve found it?
Second: (excited) It? (puzzling) What’s “it”?
First: The missing link! The evolutionary connection between man and ape.
Second: Perhaps we should date these bones.
First: Excellent idea. I’ll get the dater. (exits and returns talking to a spacy GIRL) Here it is, over here. We want you to date this.
Girl: I’ll have to ask my mom first. She doesn’t let me date strangers.
First: We want you to tell us how old it is.
Girl: Well, O.K., but I’m just doing it as a friend. Don’t expect any kind of relationship to come from this.
Second: Look at these huge claws.
Girl: Yeah, they could use a trim. (feeling legs and feet, looking them over) I think I’ve dated this guy before.
Second: So what do you think?
Girl: Boy, I don’t know. I’d say he’s about nineteen . . . maybe twenty-one.
First: Twenty-one? He’s gotta be over a million!
Girl: I’m sorry. This is only my third date.
First: I’d say he’s about twenty-two million, give or take a century.
Second: That fits my theory.
First: Then that’s what he is. Write it down. I’ll keep working. (While SECOND writes in a notebook, FIRST chisels the sheet away to uncover the entire MAN.)
Girl: I know I’ve dated this guy before.
First: No wonder those hands are so ugly—they’re feet.
Second: He looks a bit younger now, doesn’t he?
First: We could adjust our theory, bring it down to about ten million.
Second: I can live with that.
Girl: I could never live with him. I can’t even believe I dated him.
Second: What shall we name him?
Girl: See what it says on his I.D. tag.
First: I.D. tag?
Second: Here, around his neck. (reading tag) Captain I. M. Young, United States Army. (pause) Guess that blows our theory.
First: Wait a minute. (thinking) We can still save the theory somehow. Maybe explain away the I.D. tag—some kind of catastrophe or freak accident.
Girl: Freak is the word.
Second: I’m sure we could. We’ve done it before.
First: (exiting with FIRST) Let’s take a look at my books. There must be something in there about prehistoric I.D. tags.
Girl: (She studies MAN carefully, then glances to see if anyone’s looking. She takes a slip of paper, writes on it quickly, and places it in the man’s hand.) Here’s my number. I’m free Friday night.