SCENE I
Setting: Four guards are sleeping in front of the tomb of Jesus. They are to snore and awaken without paying any attention to the tomb.

Louie: (wakes up, rubs eyes, yawns and stretches) Man is it cold out here—I better build a fire. (begins to rub two sticks, puts wood and leaves together, blows into it, etc.)

Bernie: Hey, whatcha doing, Louie?

Louie: Oh, just putting my Boy Scout training to use.

Bernie: Forgot the matches again, eh? (gets up and goes over to a knapsack and finds a box of matches) Here ya go. (throws matches to Louie)

Marvin: (awakens from sleep) Hey, what’s going on with all the noise?

Louie: (testily) I’m trying to get a fire going for breakfast.

Marvin: Never mind for me—I’ve got mine all ready to go. (shows a box of cereal and begins to prepare his own breakfast)

Norman: (who has by this time also awakened, sniffs in the air as if something is burning) Hey, what’s burning?

Louie: Probably wood.

Norman: (walking toward fire) No, no. It smells like something rotten is burning. (pause)

Bernie: Oh, it’s just your imagination.

Marvin: No, I smell something now, too.

Louie: What’s that in the fire there? (pokes a stick in the fire and pulls out a burned shoe)

Norman: Those are my new Adidas you’ve been using for kindling wood, you idiot. Why, I ought to strangle you with my bare … (This last line is said while chasing Louie around the fire. Louie falls at Norman’s knees, wraps his arms around him, and begs for mercy.)

Louie: Please, Norman, have mercy on me.

Bernie & Marvin: Yeah Norman, give him a break.

Norman: (Just then Norman notices the empty tomb. His eyes are large with astonishment.) Look! The tomb! It’s empty!

Everyone: We’re in big trouble.

Marvin: We are all gonna get fired.

Louie: (crying) I’m going to lose my pension, and I only had three more years to go until retirement.

Bernie: Don’t feel bad, I’ve got a house to pay for and a son attending Jerusalem State Medical School.

Norman: What are you guys talking about? It’s not our fault that the tomb is empty. Jesus must have really come back from the dead, just as he predicted.

Louie: What makes you say that, Norman?

Norman: Well, that rock. It’s moved. Who do you think moved it? The tooth fairy?

Marvin: (glaring at Bernie) I’m sure we would have slept through an earth-quake.

Bernie: Well, don’t look at me. I don’t know where Jesus is.

Louie: Well if it’s not our fault that he’s gone, let’s get down to headquarters and tell the chief priests to put out an APB.

Everyone: Right! (picking up sleeping bags, putting out fire, etc. as curtain closes)

SCENE II
Setting: A room with a desk and chairs, depicting the place of the chief priests.

Chief Priest Caiaphas: (excitedly) What are you guys doing here? You’re supposed to be at the tomb!

Louie: (nonchalantly) There’s nothing there to guard. Jesus is gone.

Chief Priest Annas: (very excitedly) Gone! Where did he go?

Marvin: Norman thinks that Jesus has risen from the dead, just like ho predicted he would.

Chief Priest Annas: (to all) You nincompoops! We can’t have people believing Jesus came back from the dead. Think what it will do to our religion and more importantly, all of our jobs! Why, who is going to give to the temple if they think there is a risen Savior?

Bernie: Well, what do you want us to do?

Chief Priest Caiaphas: Let us think about it for a minute. (Caiaphas and Annas huddle for a few moments.)

Both: (from the middle of the huddle) That’s a good idea.

Chief Priest Caiaphas: (coming back to the guards) Look. Who else knows about Jesus rising from the dead?

All the guards: Nobody.

Chief Priest Caiaphas: (rubbing his hands together) All right, this is what we are going to say to the press. Quote: “We do not know the whereabouts of the body of Jesus of Nazareth because while the guards were sleeping, his disciples stole him away.”

Norman: That’s no good. If we were sleeping, how would we know his disciples stole the body?

Chief Priest Annas: (testily) Look Norman, we are doing this for you as well as ourselves. This statement will not only save your job but will also make you rich.

Norman: (sarcastically) How?

Chief Priest Annas: (pulls out a wad of money) This money is for you if you can keep our little secret. Do I have any takers, boys?

Bernie: (greedily stuffs money in his pockets) I’ve got a boy in medical school. I need a little extra for my retirement. (stuffing money into his pockets)

Marvin: Everybody likes money.

Norman: (firmly) Money never brought a man back from the dead though. (exits right leaving the others standing in the room with a dumb look on their faces)